Forever Isn't Worth It, Not Without Her
by reddawg82
Summary: Fic done for the Little Bang on LiveJournal. Link to art is listed. Summary: Naomi and Emily move to London where an event happens that will change everything. One-Shot.


**Title: **Forever Isn't Worth It, Not Without Her  
><strong>Author: <strong>reddawg82  
><strong>Artist: <strong>lazarus_girl**  
>Rating: <strong>R for language  
><strong>Pairing: <strong>Naomi/Emily**  
>Summary: <strong>Naomi and Emily move to London where an event happens that will change everything.

Please check out the art done on LiveJournal, it's really fucking amazing!

http:/ / . com / 26877 . html

Take out the spaces... of course! The banner is up there and there's a link to the fanmix and album art!

xxxxx

I can't believe it.

I don't think it will ever sink in.

It's only been a few weeks, but it feels like forever.

xxxxx

I wish I could have seen it coming. Who falls in love with a girl at the age of twelve? That's right… me. Everything that I felt, everything I went through, the emotions, everything… just… it doesn't matter anymore. It never should have mattered in the first place. I shouldn't have let her in, shouldn't have let anyone in. I was a fool. I still am, I think.

I don't know how I expected it to work between us. We were too different. We love… differently… not that it didn't work for a while, because it was amazing at the start. I should have known it wouldn't last though. Nothing lasts. Seasons fade, as does my hair colour if I don't keep re-dying it, friendships, memories… everything fades, everything goes. Why was I naïve enough to believe that this would work, that this… this love… between us would conquer all? Of course every young couple thinks that their relationship will stand the test of time, but I'm not ignorant, I know that shit isn't true. So why did I suddenly change the beat of my drum?

I know why. Her. Not the idea of her, but the actual girl behind the idea. Not just her vibrant crimson locks, not just her cute button nose or her oh-so-kissable lips, but the girl, the woman she became, or would have become. She always dreamed big… huge, really. I swear if that girl wanted world peace, she would have traversed the world to get it. She would have gone to every corner of the world, every forest, every desert, every country of war, and flashed her brilliant smile and told people exactly what they needed (and should) be doing to make things better. I was lucky that she put all her energy into me, because let's face it… I needed all the help I could get.

I keep asking myself why I kept telling her no. Okay, so I didn't always say no, we did move in together, but soon after we started bickering and fighting. We kept at it, but it was obvious that we should have split up, moved on, and cut our losses.

We didn't though. Emily wouldn't let that happen. She moved us to London where we both could find our own way, but still do so together. I ended up writing for a political column in the Guardian, and Emily ended up teaching at the Elizabeth Garrett Anderson Language College. Of course she did. She was all about girls, and helping them become strong, confident, beautiful women. That school gave her the perfect opportunity to do so. She was ecstatic to get a position there. She didn't just teach there, she was also the head of the English Club for Years seven to nine that would meet on Tuesdays.

She loved it. Loved working with the youth of tomorrow to enrich their minds to help to shape the future. I swear that school was the only reason we continued to work. She would be at the college every day, and I would poke around wherever I needed to be with my MacBook in hand. We'd meet at home, cook together (usually, unless one of us had a particularly horrible day, then one would cook for the other), and then share the meal on our couch (or occasionally at the table), in our flat in Marylebone.

The day started off with a kink in it. I had to head out to the office early, taking the bus (that I rarely ever use). Emily and I usually take the bus together, getting on at Baker Street station. I get off at Kings Cross and she would continue on a couple stops further. She wasn't leaving when I did. She stayed at home to take care of something before she would leave on a later bus for work. I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her as I walked out. I really wish I would have hugged her longer, kissed her more passionately.

I'm not even sure why I continued to take the bus when the tube would have been so much faster. Force of habit, I guess. Emily preferred the bus because we could see around us. We would usually sit on the top of the double decker bus, near the back, so we could watch the road move out behind us. We would sit and laugh at people and funny things that went on. Sometimes we would just sit there, hands connected between us, lost in our own little world.

On the ride I was going over things in my mind about dinner the night before. It wasn't anything wrong, really, but with the stresses of both our jobs, we were fairly quiet at the table. We just had some chicken and vegetables. I picked out the peas and gave them to her, and she traded me her carrots. I remember laughing at how we just automatically started to trade. I caught her eyes and they were twinkling. It was times like this that made me realize just how much I loved her, how glad I was to have her in my life as my partner… though we hadn't made anything official. That was my doing, even after like fifteen years of knowing and loving Emily, I still couldn't put myself out there. Pathetic, and now, I regret it.

How fucking stupid do I feel now? How hard would it have been?

So I got to work that day, bored as I can be in my office, trying to type up something, but my mind is off somewhere else. I was looking out my window, watching the people on the street walking by, like little rodents with their briefcases and purses. They're so rude, running into each other, nearly knocking people over. What's the big hurry?

Nancy came in the door at about 9:10am, her arms were flailing about. I had to calm her down three different times to be able to understand anything she was on about. Even after calming her I could only get pieces of it, 'tube', 'explosions', and 'terrorist'. She moved over to the very small, and very unused telly sat at the corner of my office. Nancy actually had to wipe the screen with her sleeve to remove a layer of dust that had settled there. Quickly she switched the channel to BBC News. The reporter was going on and on about the three bombs that went off on the tube at about 8.50 in the morning.

I was frozen. My hands gripping the arms of my rather large and expensive leather chair, almost to the point where they were turning white. My heart was in my throat, I was beginning to panic. I pull out my Blackberry and try to press the buttons, but I'm shaking so badly that I keep missing the keys I want. I'm two seconds from chucking the useless device across the room when Nancy, bless her, comes over and takes the mobile from my hand. Her voice is like an echo in my head when she asks, "E is Emily's speed dial, yeah?" I nod. I hear the numbers dial and then feel the phone pushed up to my ear. My right hand moves slowly to take it from Nancy's grasp.

"Hello, you've reached Emily, please leave a message at the beep," I hear before I hang up. This isn't happening, she has to be okay. She has to.

So, you're wondering why I'm freaking out, because we always take the bus and don't venture into the underground. The thing with Emily is that she doesn't mind taking the tube if I'm not there with her, it's faster and more efficient. Not only that, but she was running late anyway. "Christ," I curse to myself, before I scream out, "FUCK!"

Nancy actually jumps at my random curses. "Surely she's fine. Try ringing her again," she says.

I've already got my finger pushing on the 'E' on the Blackberry keyboard (my hands finally deciding to work properly). After three rings I'm about to hang up when I hear a voice on the other line, "Hello love."

"OH fucking Christ shit… you're okay… fuck…I love you…" I start mumbling loudly into the receiver. Nancy takes this moment to leave my office after giving me a little smile, obviously showing her support and I give her a little wave and nod of my head to thank her. She closes the door behind her to give me some privacy with my girlfriend.

"Naomi, calm down!" I hear her soothing me from the other line. I start to relax a bit. She's okay. Nothing happened to her, she's still with me.

"I was so… you heard about the shit that happened on the tube?" My voice was shaking, the adrenaline still forcing its way through my body. I was trying to calm down.

"Yeah babe, I'm just getting on the bus now. I'm fine, alright?" She reassured me, and I was actually able to sit back in my chair and turn around to look out the window again. I glanced at the clock, 9.30. She really is running late, but I don't care, she's safe, and that's what matters. We chit-chat back and forth for the next five minutes until I hear the bus driver call out that they were arriving at Euston Station. "Hey babe, it's getting pretty packed in here, I'm going up to the top deck, in the back… to our spot. It's probably from the madness of the underground, I'm going to let you go, yeah?"

I feel sufficiently calm now, my breathing is back to normal and I can actually smile again. "Yeah babe, have a good day at school. Remember we're going to dinner tomorrow night," I grin.

"How could I forget, Naoms. I love our Friday night's together." Her voice was light and carefree. I loved the sound of her voice, always have. "See you tonight."

I sigh a bit, "See you then," I hang up with her.

My eyes move over the screen. It's a picture of Emily and I. We're sat in the middle of a field, with tall grass swaying like waves in the wind all around us. Emily had planned a picnic for us one Sunday afternoon. It was lovely. We talked and cuddled and nibbled on the fruit and vegetables she had prepared. We shared a bottle of wine (she went with red this time, even though she preferred white or ros_é_, simply because I liked red more). Oh, and there was cheese. Emily always liked to have some kind of cheese to go with the wine we're drinking. I don't remember what kind of cheese it even was, but it did enhance the flavours of both. I remember laughing at Emily's face, the wine really wasn't her favourite, but she was doing it for me. She doesn't like the red because of the sediment that settles in the bottom, doesn't like the grainy texture. Her nose would scrunch up slightly when she would get a sip in that she didn't particularly like, but then she would quickly put a shard of cheese between her lips to make it better. She looked so adorable. What a lovely day we had.

In the midst of looking at my stunningly radiant redheaded girlfriend's photo, I noticed the time, 9.35.

The time didn't really mean anything to me at the moment. I still had most of my work day ahead of me, and now that I knew my girl was safe, I could go about my business. I turned on the radio to have some noise in the background, it was mostly instrumental, mostly depressing, and a whole lot of beautiful.

Less than 15 minutes later (12, to be exact), I had a sudden pain in my chest. Sure I've had my fair share of heartburn, but this… fuck… this felt like my heart was being stabbed, over and over again with a serrated blade. I couldn't help but reach for the coffee that Emily had made for me this morning, hoping that drinking some down would alleviate the pain. It didn't. I got to my feet, leaning one hand on the desk, was I having a heart attack? I reached into my deck to pull out my tub of Jacobs Crackers, quickly opening it up and grabbing a handful. I unceremoniously shove them in my mouth and start chomping down, the quicker I can chew, the quicker the pain will (hopefully) lessen. I swallow, and then take another drink to wash it down. I know I should probably be drinking water, but coffee was closer, and it was made with love. Well… as much love as one can put in coffee.

I don't know what it was that did that to me, at least I didn't at the time. I managed to sit back down after twenty minutes of walking around my office, willing the pain to go away. My eyes would flick to the telly that was still on every once in a while until my blood ran cold, for the second time in less than two hours. There was video of a bus, the same type of bus that Emily and I rode every day, along the same route we took every day, blown up to shreds.

My hand finds my phone and I push the 'E' again, and it goes straight to voicemail. My heart starts to pound in my chest, and I can feel my body start to tremble. I try her mobile again, just to be sure. The results are the same… right to voicemail.

I ran to the television, falling to my knees as I turn up the volume, listening for anything that could help me figure out if it was even the bus that Emily was on. I was praying to any deity that would listen, not that I believed in them anyway, but surely one of them would take pity on me and make me a believer. My hands were on either side of the small telly, my face even with the screen, willing for what I suspected not to be true.

Nancy burst through the door, my eyes flash over to her as she sees me knelt on the floor holding onto the TV. As I'm looking at her I hear the reporter speaking into my ear, "so far there are at least 14 confirmed dead and many others injured from the fourth suicide blast," I turned my head to watch the live coverage. Tears started to blur my vision and I kept trying to wipe them away. I hadn't even noticed that Nancy had exited my office until she came back in, jacket being put around her shoulders. She grabbed my coat and forced me to stand, "Come on, you know you can't sit here and wonder," she says to me. I go along with her, my mind already blank, I know already that I've lost her. That was what I felt. That was the stabbing pain in my chest. It's still there, moving through my body, paralyzing me.

Before I know it Nancy is pulling me down the street. Somehow we end up as close as possible. Though I know at some point we got into some vehicle, but I honesty couldn't even tell you where I sat in the car, if it belonged to Nancy, if it was a taxi, or even how long it took. There's blue and white tape saying 'POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS' blocking the area off.

I didn't even realize I kept walking forward, pulling out of Nancy's grasp, ducking under the tape that's meant to keep me, and everyone else, out. I feel two police officers pulling me by my biceps back toward the outside, away from the truth, the horrible truth. I can hear my voice screaming out my lover's name, "Emily!" Over and over again I cry out for her. I know I'm fighting to run toward the covered bodies lined up, I know in my heart that one of them is her. The officers are being as calm as possible given the circumstances, and I'm crying so hard that my shaking legs finally give out. The two people at either arm are the only reason I didn't collapse completely and they sit me down, trying to calm me. "I need.." I stutter out, "Emily… Emily Fitch…" I gulp down some much needed oxygen, "is she…?"

The officers don't know, they have no clue, really. The man on my left gets up and walks over to one of the investigators, and I stare at them. I watch every move, every twitch, every word that's being said, and then I see the police officer looking over to me, his eyes sorrowful. I pulled my legs up and wrapped my arms around them, tilting my head down until my forehead sat atop my knees. My whole world was crumbling down around me. I've never felt a pain like this before, not ever, not when I thought I'd lose Emily after the whole thing at Roundview with Sophia, not ever. She was everything to me.

I got home, somehow, and the first thing I did was call my mum. I hadn't realized at the time that she had left a dozen or so voicemails, a few texts, and probably called around thirty times. I was crying so hard that the only reason she knew it was me was from the familiar hiccup cough I do when I get too worked up about something.

She was in London, picking me up before I knew it. Gina, my lovely mum, spoke to Nancy about making sure her boss knew about what had happened. I sat in the car. I don't even know whose car it was. I could have been anywhere, with anyone, and I wouldn't have noticed.

Two weeks. Two weeks is all it took to get her body from London to Bristol for her funeral. She had wanted her body to be burned, which is a good thing, because there wasn't much left of her to salvage anyway. I decided to take a small urn with some of her ashes to keep with me always, and the rest, it was decided, that her family and I would go and spread them over the lake. Okay, so it was mostly my idea. It was our place, our special place, and I know Emily would have approved. I was surprised that Jenna didn't fight me on it.

Katie ran right into my arms when she saw me. We loved and understood Emily the most in the world, and now… now we were both a bit lost. It was probably the only thing we had in common, but that was alright, we made it work. Rob hugged me as well, one of his famous Fitch Hugs. I kind of let myself melt into it, he was the closest thing to a father (before Kieran, who didn't act much like a father to me anyways) that I've ever known. Even James gave me a hug, although he did try to grope my ass in the process, which I batted away. It did make me smile a little though, the little perv. The last one in the family was Jenna. We stood toe to toe, I know my face looked like a wreck, and I could see that her mascara was running down her cheeks as well. I didn't exactly know how I should respond, or react, or anything really, so when she stepped forward and put her arms around me, I froze for a moment. I'd never come this close to her before unless she was yelling at me for turning her daughter gay. It only took a second or two for me to wrap her in my own embrace.

The Fitch Family let me spread her ashes. A breeze picked up as I leaned over to sprinkle her essence into our lake and it brought her further around, twisting and dancing in the beams of sunlight that shone through the canopy of trees. It was beautiful. Emily would have loved it.

xxxxx

I can't believe it.

I don't think it will ever sink in.

It's only been a few weeks, but it feels like forever.

Forever isn't worth it, not without her.

xxxxx

**Well... what did you think? Oh, and remember to go to my LJ and click the links for the art made. It's simply amazing!**


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